Top Jokes
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.' The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.' The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.' The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duct tape!' The son insisted that he knew wha
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side.
Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). "Can I get me some chicken feed?" the man asked. "Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually got chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick," the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food for his dog. O
A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said "No way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ."
Well, she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married, to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said "I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy," so he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister.
In a couple of days they returned. The confused father asked "Where is your sister?"
They replied "We were almost there Dad, but we got to this overpass with a sign that said 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and drove
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner
You know you've had too much coffee when...
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
Instant coffee takes too long
You chew on other people's fingernails
You answer the door, before people knock
You sleep with your eyes open
You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore
You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there
You help your dog chase its tail
You lick your coffeepot clean
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
You're so wired you pick up FM radio
You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!
A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool."
He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Mister, that's it!! Why won't those drummers stop?! I can't get any sleep!" The manager replies, "No! The drums must NEVER stop. It's terrible if the drums stop drumming."
"Why?"
"When drums stop... bass solo begins."
Two small boys, one catholic and one protestant get lost in the woods.
Darkness comes down and they near a monastery. Upon entering they are asked their faith, telling the head monk their religions.
The Catholic lad gets the best of treatment, good food, a good bed near the fireplace. The protestant lad however gets a bowl of cold gruel, and is told to sleep by the drafty door to keep the cold out of the room.
In the morning the head monk asks the boys how it was. "I dreamt I was in heaven, Father" said the Catholic boy. "It was just wonderful."
"I dreamt that I was in hell " said the protestant boy. "And what was that like?" said the holy father. "Just like this place, couldn't get n
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