A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

All of the following town names are REAL: Long Dong (Guangxi, China) Blowhard (Australia) Pickles Gap (Arkansas) Petting (Germany) Mount Mee (Australia) Titting (Germany) Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA) Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA) Fugit (Kentucky, USA) Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA) Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England) Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland) Sally's Gap (Ireland) Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA) Beaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA) Black Butte (Oregon, USA) Sandy Balls (England) Tilicum (Washington, USA) Cockburn (Australia) Bangor (Wales) Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA) Ballville (Ohio, USA) Prickwillow (England) Black Charlie's Opening (England) Kinmount (Ontario, Canada)

There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, "Is that enough proof for you?" They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, "SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!" She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, "Well, it's still three to two."

A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says, "I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her," she says.

A golfer was having a round of golf with the local vicar. The golfer took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The golfer, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!". The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again." They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the golfer shouted "Damn - missed the bugger!" This annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said "Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!" But once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew

A tourist to New York City, Bob, was marveling at the Poe opera house. As a man passed by Bob asked "Was this building named for the great author and poet Edgar Allen Poe?" "No," replied the man, "the building was named for James Poe." "What did he write?" asked Bob. Said the man, "A check."

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." "Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

Two bosses were talking about how dumb their blond assistants are. The first boss says, "You think your assistant is dumb, watch this." And the man calls over the blond and says "Go to my house and see if I'm home." So the blond says "Yes sir! Right away sir!" and away she goes. The second boss says "You call that dumb! Watch this!" So he calls over his blonde assistant and says "Here's a dime, go buy me a car." She replies "Yes sir! No problem!" and away the blond goes. On their way to go do the tasks given to them, they meet up and start talking. The first blond says "My boss is so stupid! He told me to go to his house and see if he's home. I mean, why couldn't he just call and see if

A young man entered a bar, walked to the counter and told the barman, "May I have a question, sir? I heard that a drink of beer will bring you the courage to do something terrible that you hate to do? Is that right, sir?" "Yes, I guess so," the barman answered with a smile. "How much beer then?" "It depends. Why don't you try and find out?" "OK, then give me a glass of beer please." Sitting in the corner, the young man kept asking for more beer. After the fifth glass, the barman looked at the man with a wink, "Well, how do you feel? Am I right?" "Uh yes, I feel the courage growing in me, but not enough," and then he ordered another drink. Three more glasses and then the man stood up, saying