A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," admitted the stunned surgeon. You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy.

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the brunette, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" The brunette jumps and the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. Then, the redhead steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" "Oh no! You're gonna put blanket in the wrong place!" "No! We've go it covered! We'll catch you!" yell the firemen. The redhead jumps and, again, the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the redhead als

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car. "If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned. "Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered. "Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant. Said the first man "I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me." "That's nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."

Where should a dressmaker live? On the outskirts of the city.

Why was the broom tired? It over swept.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong? "I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentall

An American and Japanese were sitting next to each other on a plane. The American turned and asked the Japanese, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese man answered "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean." "What kind of -ese are you?" the American repeated. The Japanese was showing obvious confusion. Irritated, the American explained, "Are you Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, what?" "Oh, I'm Japanese." Soon after, the Japanese turned to the American and asked him what kind of -key he was. The American, now annoyed, replied, "What d'you mean, 'key'?" The Japanese asked again, "Are you a monkey, a donkey, or a Yankee?"

The Japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what gets you.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.