A redneck couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. The woman said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam," replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a father." Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many." Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why d

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she awakens, several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?" "Fine" says the doctor, your brother named them. She thinks to herself, Oh no, my brother's an idiot. "What did he name them?" she asks the doctor. "He named the girl Denise" said the doctor. Well, maybe I misjudged my brother, Denise isn't such a bad name, she realizes. "What did he name the boy?" Replies the doctor "Denephew."

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, "Folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world." Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, "My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world." Then Bill Gates

Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas? A. He felt his presence!

Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves? A. She fell out of the tree!

Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!

An American. an Englishman and a Chinese man were all taking part in a quiz contest. One question asked them was to fill in a blank in a song title and then spell the word. The song title was 'Old Macdonald had a ----'. The American was first to answer - he said 'ranch', spelt R-A-N-C-H. "Wrong" said the quiz master. The Englishman answered next - he said 'estate', spelt E-S-T-A-T-E. "Wrong" said the quiz master. Then the Chinese man answered - he said 'farm'. "Please spell it" said the quiz master. "E - I - E - I - O"

As part of his plan to let the Yanks know that he is not only still alive but ready to kick ass, Saddam sent a letter to George W Bush. The letter was immediately recognised as from the former dictator of Iraq and was detoxified and checked for explosives before being opened. In it was a single sheet of paper with the characters:- 370HSSV 0773H The president couldn't work out what this meant, so he had an aide type a copy and sent it to that very smart man, Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary of Defence and his aides studied it for a week, using the most powerful code cracking computers the NSA could come up with, and were still stumped .They sent it to Langley, where the CIA similarly had no luc

If you were any more pointless, you would be a circle.