Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female inpersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read, "I am perfectly well." A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel - collect - on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message, "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

1. Happy Anniversery! 2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!?? 3.Do I look fat in this? 4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!? 5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends! 6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant. 7.Here's 100 dollars! 8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses. 9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight? 10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!

1. Happy aniversery! 2. Do I look fat in this? 3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want. 4. I think im pregnant. 5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret. 6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women. 7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood. 8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas! 9. I'm sorry. 10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.

Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again. Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car. Wife says: How do I look? Man: Terrible, go change!

Three men, a fat man, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge. The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!" The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from." The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge. The fat man exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!" The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from." Now, the fat man doesn't want to b

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly." To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." Adam said, "What is a caress?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, t

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw

THE CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.) THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did). THE RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus...(Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files) THE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks min