Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!

One day a blond from Cali decides to move take a trip to North Carolina to see her brunette friend. Of course, being a blond, she assumes that NC is like a whole different country. When she gets there her friend is driving her back to the house. The blond asks "Do those traffic lights mean something different here?" and the brunette, playing a prank on the blond, says "Yes. When the light it green, all the brunettes go. When the light is yellow, all the red heads go, and when the light is red, all the blonds go." The very next day the blond goes to pick up some groceries for her and her friend. The light turns green. A lot of cars go and the blond is thinking, "Well, there su

It ain't easy to be a dick; I've got a head I can't think with, An eye I can't see out of. I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbour is a real asshole. My best friend is a pussy. And every time I get excited, I throw up; And worst of all, my owner beats me.

It was a sweltering hot day when three guys, Arnold, Bobby and Calvin, were walking along a never-ending path in a park. Arnold: It sure is hot! I'd like a vanilla cone very much. Bobby: Yeah, my shirt's soak with sweat. I'd give 10 bucks for a strawberry cone. Calvin: Well I'd give 20 bucks for any cone. Arnold picks something off the ground saying, "Pay up Cal, here's a pine cone."

See if you can find the hidden image in the group of characters below. It takes some concentration, but it's worth it. Don't cheat by scrolling down before you look at it. Have fun! You'll be surprised when you see what it is... {{{{{{{===**++++*****+++++++++++????????/// //////////%\\\ @@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""}}}|||||||]]] xxxxxxxx>>>>>>xxxxxxxx ~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~ ====||\\/////////*****{}{}{} %%%%%%%%%%%% $$$&&$$&$$===~|~|~|~|====++ Most people find it easiest to put your nose right up to the screen, then slowly back away while continuing to stare. If you still do

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the l

Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child? A: I'm his mother. Q: And you have been so all of his life? Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Attorney Q: Male sperm? A: That is the only kind I know. Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant? A: The young lady is pregnant ? but not as a result of my examination. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate. On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full m

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. The Chief Medical Examiner concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...