You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.

If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat? Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.

Why are New Yorkers always depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber." While looking at something in his hand. The man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, "It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?" The drunk replies, "From my nose."

Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl!

Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!

The day before Christmas break, a few kindergarten students decided to give their teacher a gift. The first gift was from a little girl whos daddy was a florist. The teacher takes the present unwraps it and discovers it's flowers. She thanks the girl and takes the next present. Its from a little boy whose daddy own a candy store. She unwraps the present and sure enough there's a box of chocolates. She thanks the boy and takes the last gift. The last gift is from a boy whose daddy owns a liquor store. The gift is dripping with a weird liquid. Shocked that the boy's father would give him alcohol to give to a teacher, decides to say nothing and guess what it is. "Is it champagne?" The boy rep

A little blind rabbit and a little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of them could see what species they were so they decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the rabbit would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also know what species he was. The snake ran his tongue over the rabbit. "Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose," the snake said; "you must be a rabbit." The rabbit then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said, "Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard .... you must be a lawyer!"

A man and a woman are having an intimate dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the man quietly slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."

Your momma so old and fat when God said let there be light, he asked your momma to move the hell out of the way because she was blocking the sun.

One day a priest had a doctor's appointment and needed someone to cover for him at the confessional, so he calls over an old school chum of his who happens to be a rabbi. The rabbi had no idea what to do but agreed to cover for the priest. The priest needed to show the rabbi how everything worked, so when the first person came in the priest said, "What is your sin my son?" The man said "I've commited adultery." The priest asks, "How many times?" The man says, "3 times." The priest replies, "Do 10 Hail Marys, then put $5 in the donation box." Then the second man comes in and says he committed adultery also. When asked how many times he said 3. The priest replied again, "Do 10 Hail Marys then

One day a blonde came home from work early and when she walked into her house, she saw her husband in bed with another woman. She pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. Her husband screams, "NO DON'T DO IT! I'm sorry!" To which the blonde replies "SHUT UP! You're next!"