I see London, I see France, I see your underpants.

A little boy and his older sister were building paper airplanes when his sister said, "We should stop building planes now and play with the ones we've got. We don't need to waste any more paper." "Why?" "Because if we use too much paper we'll lose all the trees, and everyone will die.." "Because we don't have any paper?"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the bible that man should do the coffee." The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him the top of several pages, that it indeed says........"HEBREWS"

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!!!

What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!

3 expecting mothers were talking in their doctors office, about the sex of their babies. The first mother said, "I'm having a boy." "How can you be so sure?" asked the other two. "Well" said the first, "my husband was on top." The second replied, "If that's the case then I'm having a girl because I was on top." The third started to cry. The first two asked her what was wrong. "I'm going to have a puppy" she replied.

A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other. "who hit me?" "It wasn't me." "I didn't see too much either." "It must have been the dog" "What dog?" "I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog." "Doh, that means I hit myself." "hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that."

A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche. He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?" "I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds."

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!