Q.Why did the house go to the doctor? A.To get a cure for his window pane!

What did the chef name his son? Stu

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste!

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her. Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you will always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her. Adam: That's wonderful Lord ... and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you.

After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate,

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? "Let us prey."

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Ferraro 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Ferraro dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring hap

What did the cat say to the elephant? "......................meOW!"

"Two tone paint work" - Original color and rust. "One careful owner" - But the other nine were clumsy as anything. "10,000 trouble-free miles" - Crashed in the last 20 feet. "Heated rear window" - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter. "Very clean" - Only washed if and when it rains. "Lady owner" - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics. "Clean interior" - All the rubbish is under the floormats. "Immobilizer" - The gear shift comes off in your hand. "Anti-theft device" - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap. "Drives beautifully" - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place. "Low mileage" - The odometer is on its third time around.

Woman: Honey, do you love me? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Woman: Do I look fat in this? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Woman: Did you enjoy the meal? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face? Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies! Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight? Woman: Sure Honey! Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me? Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after ye