A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Billy to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Billy did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Billy. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Billy some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!!!"

The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out. Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY. Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done. Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door. Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "She's in the BATHROOM! Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in. Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny

A mother was driving her kids to school one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the daughter asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The little girl thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. "Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?" "That's right son, why?" "Well that's just what they said at church today." "Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes." About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll be there in a minute." As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son. The little boy looked at her and said, "then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because so

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol; At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter, For the road to Hell is paved with butter And cake is cursed and cream is awful And Satan is hiding in every waffle. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, And Lucifer is a lollipop, Teach me the evils of hollandaise Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise; And crisp fried chicken from the south Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later, she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney; and what a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her hus

A little girl and her father decided to go to church, because her father wanted to introduce her to the Christian World. As they sat down, a collection plate begins to be passed around. As the plate came to the girl's father, he searches his pockets for money. Then his daughter whispers in his ear, "Don't worry Daddy, I'm already free and covered.... I'm under 5."

One night, a man and his wife decide to go out on a date. They get all dolled up, call the cab, and put the cat out. When the cab arives, they head out the door just as the cat darts back inside. The man head backs in to chase out the cat, and his wife heads to the cab. Not wanting to let on that no one would be home that night, she explains to the driver, "He's just going back in to say good-night to my mother." In a few minutes, the man returns to explain, "Sorry it took me so long. The old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"