A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

This form is designed for excuse you'll need for the trouble you've caused.. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Dear: a) Mom b) Dad c) Love of my life d) Teacher e) Local Police Chief Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Hair e) Left arm was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank. How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not ha

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened read, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever. 2. Cry. Cry often. 3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends. 4. Make them apologize for everything. 5. Get mad at them for everything. 6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply. 7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess. 8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late. 9. Criticize the way they dress. 10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7. Then compare and contrast.

The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Here are some examples ....... Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. Woman Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. Man Driver: I had been drivi

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress."

This Is From A Florida Newspaper... A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash,ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill,the wife went down several flights of long steps to t

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless th

Shit may be the most powerful word in the english language: You can be shitfaced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, or tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shitheaded, shitbrained, shitblinded, and shitover. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chi