In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom

Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"

Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female inpersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read, "I am perfectly well." A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel - collect - on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message, "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

1. Happy Anniversery! 2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!?? 3.Do I look fat in this? 4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!? 5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends! 6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant. 7.Here's 100 dollars! 8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses. 9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight? 10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!

1. Happy aniversery! 2. Do I look fat in this? 3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want. 4. I think im pregnant. 5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret. 6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women. 7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood. 8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas! 9. I'm sorry. 10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.

Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again. Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car. Wife says: How do I look? Man: Terrible, go change!