What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet

Here's the day's stock market report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Rain dampened the rally. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries expl

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on irplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and emb

Here are some useless facts that you may enjoy... 1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." 2. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. 3. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. 4. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. 5. No word in the English language rhymes with month. 6. A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened. 7. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". 8. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". 9. The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.' 10. The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bu

Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.

Yo moma's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear.

Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first" she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy works in a topless bar!" The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Bil

Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6? Because deep down, they're not so bad!

Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar? Their both 20 pounds! doy!

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.