At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street. "Oh, that's terrible" "Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."

Two Tough Questions Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates. Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a q

How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime!

A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"

Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.

I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expe

It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, good evening, sir!" The general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, "Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the private wasn't going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, yes sir!" The general continued, "You know, there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The private didn't agree, but then the private w

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky, you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"