My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!

A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."

The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run. He was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken Dean told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!"

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor, who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said, " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150, "for legal consultation".

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, Child: "Bud."

Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree "T-Bone* $4.25". I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the "*" was "with meat, $14.95"

When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand.

What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!

What's the difference between an alchoholic & a drug addict? The alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green.

Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes." "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming into work today."