God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . . 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4.Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 9. It's hard to make a comeback when y

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother said to her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Brenda, we just have five of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now." Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "there, there, Brenda, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clam

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago." Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey") Keyboard - The standard way to generate comp

Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Humphrey. The guard says, "Well, we'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Hum

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word,

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that

Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.

Q)Where do penguins go to dance? A)The snowball

Q)Where do eskimo pigs live? A)In a pigloo.

Q)Why does a traffic light turn red? A)You would to if you had to change in front of all those people.

Q)what do you call a polar bear in the jungle? A)lost!