Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house. The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!" The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him. At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?" The old lady calmly replied,

Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life THE DOCTOR, because he says, "Take your clothes off." THE DENTIST, because he says, "Open wide." THE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, "Do you want them teased or blown?" THE MILKMAN, because he says, "Do you want it in the back or in the front?" THE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, "Once it's in you'll love it." THE BANKER, because he says, "If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing. 6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. 5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same buil

Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

How are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Ben Dover Mike Hunt Phil McCrackin Ajock Strap Anita Cock Ipe Freely Seymour Buttes

HER DIARY Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When w

A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you." "No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. "Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?" "No way! Now leave me alone!" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you say to that?"

-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. -Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early. -Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor. -Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study. -This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. -The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "