Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? A: To draw blood.

Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave!

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy. ''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours. Instead, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!'' ''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. Instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!'' All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway. ''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. ''Put these on,'' he said to his wife. She did and they were nearly twice her size. ''There's no way I can wear these. They're too big,'' she said. ''Good, now you know who wears the pants in this family.'' Flustered, the wife takes off her panties and gives them to her husband. ''Put these on,'' she commands. The husband looks at the small pair of panties and says, ''There's no way I can get into these.'' To which the wife replied, ''You're right about that until you change your attitude.''

This is an actual job application! NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YO

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on h

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, "Oh, about one penny." Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, "Oh, about a second." Then the man asked. "Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?" God replied, "Sure, just wait a sec."

One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats. "What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer!" cried Jack. "I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on."

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and say

What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother? I wuv you watts and watts!