1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy there. 6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex? 7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 8. There go the lights again? 9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em." 10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. 12. What's this doing here? 13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 14. That's cool

Q. What do you call a guy that sits on your doorstep? A. A Matt.

Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head? A: Douglas

Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips? Answer: A liar.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Johnny a three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and his mother was with him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, the mother smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then Mom realized that Johnny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then she said, "Johnny, are you SURE you didn't have an acciden

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your butt. 2) I love deadlines. I especially like the "whooshing" sound they make as they go flying by. 3) Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. 5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 6) Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling? 7) My reality check bounced. 8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The p

Yo daddy so bald he has to have holes in his pocket to finger through his hair.

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole. 2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized? 3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in. 4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays? 5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.