Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith. Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: "SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES". One day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's, to which she replied: "Yes, how did you know?". He replied "HICKORY DICKORY DOC!"

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'' The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...'' And the dad replied, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn''t he?''

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will rega

Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!

What does it mean when a blonde is saying, "yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no?" She's testing if her brunette friend's turn signal is working!

A man walks in to an auto store and asks the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. The blonde says,"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . " 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions abo

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field, with the farmer, all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the t

From: [langalist] LangaList Standard Edition 2003-07-24 Just For Grins 1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n), a humor

What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler? One sells watches, one watches cells!

Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly.