The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent's had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother."

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. - No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. - Friendly fire ain't. - The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. - The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already had it mined. - The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. - Incoming fire has the right of way. - If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. - If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. - Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. "It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments lat

A fathers rules to dating; Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propo

Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.

A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" 'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'

- Nice Set of Floppies! - Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU. - I'd like to play on your laptop. - Need me to unzip your files? - If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long! - I'd like to boot up your PC! - I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen! - I've got a 21 inch... (monitor) - I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video... - Your homepage or mine?

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

So, this guy, Bill is sitting in a bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?' Bill answers 'well, I got this magic lamp with a genie.' So Joe asks 'that's great, could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He continued, 'I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!' Bill explained. 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

Blonde jokes started when a brunette and a red head had to much time on their hands, because a blond was out with their boyfriends.