Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.

When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.

Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?

An American supply teacher came to a Canadian class one day. She told the students that she was an American and she asked if anyone else in the room was an American. Even though not many people in the room were, everyone put up their hand not to be left out, except one girl. The teacher stared at the girl and asked "If you're not an American, then what are you?" The girl replied, "I'm a proud Canadian." The teacher asked "Why are you a Canadian?" The girl answered, "Because my parents are both Canadians." The teacher asked "What if both of your parents are stupid, then what will you be?" The girl answered, "Then I would be an American!"

There were three kids named My, Butt, and Stupid. They were pretty dumb and didn't know the word and. One day, they were playing ball on the sixth floor. Then, suddenly Stupid dropped the ball out the window. My jumped out the window to get the ball, while Butt tried to jump out the window to catch My. Stupid saw that the two of them fall out the window and ran down the stairs. When he got down, he saw a policeman looking at My and Butt. The policeman asked "Son, what is your name?" Stupid answered "I'm Stupid!" The policeman said "You're not stupid, son, now do you know what happened here?" Stupid answered "My Butt fell out the window!"

One day, a grieving relative came to a grave yard to talk to the grave digger. The woman said to him "I am very poor, and I don't know how I can pay for my husband to be buried!" The grave digger replied "No problem, I have ways for you to save money while having your husband buried." "How?" The woman asked. "It's very simple," the grave digger replied. "To save money on the coffin, all you do is put your husband's body in a large plastic bag, instead of a coffin. To save money on space of the burial, bury your husband standing up instead of laying down. To save money on the headstone, all you need to do to identify your husband is to bury only half of his body and leave his head and

One day 4 Friars decided to take an early retirement. So they retired and spent most of their time at home. Getting bored with retirement they decided they needed to try something new. After talking it over they decided to open a floral shop in the town. They knew a bit about gardening and could probably make some nice profits. So they set up shop and had the best flowers in all of town. People always bought their flowers instead of the competitions down the street. The competitions owner was pretty mad and one day he went up to the friars and said, "If you dont close this shop down in one week I will make you pay." Not willing to back down to a threat the friars stayed in business for ano

What do you get when you see peas spinning in circles? World Peace (whirled peas)

A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls. One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for... Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!

Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said "Why did you trip me?" And the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said "I wanted to see a flying saucer!"

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the - " "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road - " "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this