Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde said, "Let me look!" The first blonde handed her the compact. The second blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! "I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. "Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Costume party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined t

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the window. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red lig

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh ... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two." This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name, p

A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree. "Then my dog will bite his testicles off." The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?" The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."

Have you ever wondered..... Why Most homes have lots of windows in the house, how ever, more than half of them are usually covered up with blinds so people can't see you. If blind people can still see kindness in a person. Would they still have the same motto " No Shirt, No pants, No service" in a porn shop. Why on "children's tylonnel" they put " Do not drive right after you have taken this". Why Many packaged peanut bags will say " May contain traces of peanuts" on them? Will you be smarter if you eat smarties( canadian candy) Will you be dumber if you lift dumb bells AND FINALLY..... Will you be able to figure out how long you slept if you bring a ruler to bed with you?

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8) Move your desk into the elevator and wh

If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air? If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?

Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo? About 20 pounds! How do you even out the difference? Either force feed the buffalo or shave your mom.