How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked. "Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone. "But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tel

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George." Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al. Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George." Mortician: "How can you tell?" Al: "George had two assholes." Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al: "Everybody knew Georg

A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him, "How's your round of golf is going?" The golfer admits, "I'm having one of my worst rounds ever." The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell. The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies, "In all honesty, I haven't had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever. Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, "How's your g

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up. Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water" Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water l

"My friend," said St. Peter to the recently deceased, "you did lead an exemplary life on earth - but there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain. Would you care to tell us about it?" "I recall," replied the new applicant, "it was in 1965 on the last hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the first time in my life." "Was your drive good?" asked St. Peter, with increasing interest. "Right down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart." "Oh dear," said St. Peter, "A real sucker! Is that when you..." "No. I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet, caught the swe

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the m

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?" The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet anothe

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to swear about?"

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!