SHAPING UP FOR A GOOD EXCUSE A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting worried. "You what!?" "She's in the trunk if you want to

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

3 men were sitting in a plane. They were talking about peace when the subject of weapons came up. They decided to never use weapons again to hurt anyone else. The first man pulled out a heavy rock from under his seat and said, "I used to throw rocks like this at people I disliked. Now I know better," and with that he yanked open the emergency exit and tossed out the rock. The second man pulled out a knife and decided he didn't want to harm anyone either, so he tossed it out the open door. The third man gets up and opens the storage compartment and takes out a bomb. "Well, I always carry one of these around, I always wondered what it would be like to set it off. Now I know better," and he tos

A man is flying on a very expensive airline in first class when the sudden urge to relieve himself overwhelms him. He runs to the bathroom to find its occupied. He bangs and bangs on the door but no one comes out. The flight attendant notices the man is in distress so she tries to help him. She takes him to a bathroom exclusively for the supermodels who frequently fly on this airline. She lets him use it very quickly but warns him to not, under any circumstance, press any of the 3 buttons next to the toilet. The man gets into the bathroom and automatically sees the buttons. They're labeled WW, WA, and ATR. The man sits down on the toilet and immediately relieves himself. While sitting down

A blonde walks into a hospital in slight discomfort. "Can I have a hot towel to put on my nose, please?" The nurse was curious and asked, "Why would you like a hot towel to put on your nose?" The blonde replies, "Well, I wanted to sniff some coke to see what the big deal was, and I got an ice cube stuck up my nose."

A man is walking down the beach when he comes upon a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The man immediately demands his three wishes. The genie first warns the man that whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law will get double. Figuring it wasnt all that bad the man thinks about his wishes. First he wishes for a billion dollars. *Poof* A huge stack of money appears in front of the man. But his mother-in-law just got 2 billion dollars. Second he wishes for a huge 50 room mansion with full staff to run it. *Poof* A huge mansion appears where his old house to be. (And parts of his neighbors houses too.) But his mother-in-law just recieve a 100 room house built on a beachfront proper

A blonde walks into a casino and goes up to the craps table. She tells the dealers she wants to bet $10 000 on a single roll of the dice. The dealers figure that since shes a blonde, she must not know what shes doing, so they allow her to place the bet. Then the blonde starts to strip. The dealers ask her what shes doing and she replies, "I'm luckier when I'm naked. Hope ya don't mind." So she rolls the dice and jumps up and down screaming, "I WON! I WON! YAY!" She hugs the dealers and picks up her chips and clothes and jumps excitedly away. While enjoying the view of the blonde jumping away, the second dealer leans over and whispers to the first dealer, "What'd she roll?" The first dealer

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This situation persisted to boiling point. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey, mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

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One evening, a little boy and his family were having supper at his grandma's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When he received his plate, the little guy began eating right away. "Wait until we a say a prayer," his mother admonished. " I don't have to," he replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at home." "That's at home," he explained. "This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!!"