Popular Jokes
An old couple had been married for fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took the woman on a trip, and they were to stay at an upscale hotel. When they got there, the woman told the bell boy, "This is an awful hotel. Why is it upscale? No windows, no bathroom, no air conditioning."
"But, madam!" the bell boy protested.
"Don't 'but madam' me," the lady said. "This is one of the worst hotels I've ever even tried to stay at. I'm going to report it to your manager."
"But, madam!" the bell boy persisted, "this isn't your room, this is the elevator."
Why are golf balls small and white?
Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.
A Scottish Presbyterian is rescued after many years on a desert island. As he stands on the deck of the rescuing vessel, the captain says to him, "I thought you were stranded alone. How come I can see three huts on the beach?"
- "Well," replies the castaway, "that one there is my house and that one there is where I go to church."
- "And the third one?" asks the skipper.
- "Oh, that's my old church."
It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
A performative poet of Hibernia
Rhymed himself into a hernia
He became quite adept
At this practise, except
For the occasional non-sequitur.
If rock is wet, it is raining.
If rock is green, it rained a while ago.
If rock is white, it is snowing.
If rock is shaking, there is an earthquake.
If rock is dry, the weather is fair.
If rock is swinging, it's windy.
If rock is warm, the sun is out.
If rock is not visible, it's dark outside.
If rock is under water, there is a flood.
If rock is gone, there is a tornado (Run!!)
"Pass me the shellfish," said Tom crabbily.
"That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said off-handedly.
"Can I go looking for the Grail again?" Tom requested.
"I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," Tom said succinctly.
"I might as well be dead," Tom croaked.
"We just struck oil!" Tom gushed.
"They had to amputate them both at the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.
"Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously.
"Hurry up and get to the back of the ship," Tom said sternly.
An American, a Russian, and an African were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. He said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air," he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "We're right over my homeland," he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah! We're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch
This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :)
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