A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs. After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause. "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yes." "Can you describe him?" "Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground." "So he's a traveller?" "Yes, he is; any problems?" "No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though."

Knock Knock! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press

...if you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

The following are real excerpts from Help Desk logs at real corporations. Or are they? 1. Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... 2. Help Desk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Help Desk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the 'F' key 8 times as you told me, but nothing's happening... 3. Hi, good afternoon, this is Elaine. I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... 4. Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Help Desk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's rea

1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea. 2.When on the urinal (make sure someone is next to you), slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing. 3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal (or fake) blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets. 4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh. 5.Repeat #4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast. 6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the to

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" the President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig. Another pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work. A third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. "Wait," says the bartender, curious, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" "Nope," says the pig, "I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home." -Court

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger. Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence. "Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!" The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, ass

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter. Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and re

1960's arithmetic test: A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four fifths of that amount. What is his profit? 1970's new-math test: A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What is the cardinality of set P of profits? 1980's "dumbed down" version: A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20. 1990's version: An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this