Popular Jokes
Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there's a sign on the door that says, "No Pets Allowed."
The guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to wait a few minutes and then follow his lead. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his German Shepherd.
The bartender sees him walk in with the dog and says, "Can't you read? No pets allowed in here!"
The guy says, "But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender thinks for a minute and decides to let him stay.
Meanwhile, the friend is watching through the window. He sees the plan work for the first guy so he decid
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he
waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and
said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is
it?" "It's called the door!"
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up.
When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant. "No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant.
She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's phone and dialed the private line in the Oval Office. When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, "Didn't you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um...who IS this?"
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen.
Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
A: Justin.
Q: What do you call a girl who gambles?
A: Betty.
Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river?
A: Bridget.
Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg?
A: Jean.
Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a lady in the distance?
A: Dot.
Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily.
Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front?
A: Bill.
The Laws Of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, th
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons.
I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. R
Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calor
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
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