Popular Jokes
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
- You can't have everything, where would you put it?
- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of baldmen?
- In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills?
- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. Note that this crossword puzzle contains abbreviations and acronyms.
S O _
Clue: An insult related to a female animal.
Answer: Sow.
If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon?
None, since vests don't have sleeves.
Nick's Grandma gave him a map to her house. The address was 1767 Old Miffs Road.
Nick traveled till he got to Old Miffs road. He didn't pay attention to the sign and thought he was lost.
He stopped at a woman's house and she opened the door. "Why hello there!" the woman said. "Nice to see you, Nick."
Nick couldn't hear her, so he asked "Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?"
"You're here," she said, but Nick still couldn't hear her.
He went to a different house down the road. He asked "Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?"
"Yes, it's right there."
"This isn't Old Miffs Road!"
"Pay attention to street signs."
The following is something actually said by my dad. I wanted to see what my dad would say if I said I might be gay, here was his reaction.
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE!! EVEN IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU SOME PUSSY, YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!!!!!!
A 6'4" man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light.
The midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, "I'm NOT happy!" and the man replied, "Which one are you, then?"
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German
We're here on the airport, where a group of people
have just arrived after being stranded on an island
for more than a year.
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
You go to sleep on the couch in your living room one night, but you find yourself unable to get any sleep. You realize it is probably because you are hungry, so you go and make a pb&j, and eat it.
.....
You lay back down.
......
After a while, you get sorta thirsty, so you get up again and go get a drink of rootbeer. GULP~GULP~GULP~....BURP!
......
You lay back down.
.....
Still no sleep.
You do what everybody recommends - you count sheep. 1...2...3...4....5....
You have to go to the bathroom from all of that rootbeer.
....
You lay back down.
......
Still no sleep, so you start singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," to yourself - but when you finish, you are still not tired.
You say y
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