One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Ted and Alice were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, "What possessed you to study German?" "We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him!" the couple proudly explained.

WARNING- this is very racial. Please forgive me if it offends you, but its true when you think about it. Since we have so many Mexicans saying,"o we want to serve you americans, work in america...",why dont we just put them in the army. We give them our supplies. They go, jump the border like no manyana and set up base. With all the tanks the Iraqis have, they go and before you notice it they have the wheeles, the tank is up on cinder blocks and they are out of there, just like they do in the city. We have tanks, with guns that turn 360 degrees. 360. So if you think about it, its like a drive by. So lets let all the blacks go in and control the tanks. So we get into Iraq, and we have a driv

Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.

(Told You So)

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!" The magistrate replied, "And you'll be what's passing through?"

John always bullied Pat, so Pat invited him to the meat factory. The next day, on the menu at McDonalds, there was a new thing called: Bully Big Mac, and John french fries.

Want to hear a really big joke? JOKE!

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up.

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Why was Jesus not born in France? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.