Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail. But... TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, "You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!"

Supermarket A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. Though I do have to say... I don't buy my toilet paper there.

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "Please, tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman whispered, "Try going alone next time, dear."

How do you know policemen are strong? Because they can hold up traffic. What do termites eat for breakfast? Oakmeal. What do massage therapists eat for dinner? Spa-ghetti. Why were the suspenders arrested? For holding up a pair of pants. How does the queen bee get around her hive? She's throne. What do bees do if they don't want to drive? Wait at the buzz stop. Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" What's the friendliest school? Hi school. What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)

Don't argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing.

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm. "Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer. "I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he wouldn't have made it."

If I travelled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, The pot's at the other end.

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your N

There was a king who was memorizing a script to tell everyone in the land that everyone got free chocolate. But really it was filled with poison to kill them all. A guard walked by and said in a whisper, "Remember it is filled with poison, but do not say it is filled with poison. Understand?" The King responded, "Yes, I do." The king was deaf in one ear so he often times missed what people say. He walked up to the microphone. He said, "I know you all love delicous chocolate. So I've decided to give you all special gift. Who want's to know?" Everyone hollered out "I do!" So the king hollered, "Okay then! Free Poisonous Chocolate for all!"

Want to hear a backwards joke? ekoj

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you--quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!" MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls like other child