Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: Manslaughter! Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!

What is a cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The bears' exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The zookeeper always wants to take the rhino for a walk. 5. The lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the tour guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the tigers' den. 9. The elephant appear

I once got hired for a "wonderful" new job! And here is the "wonderful" note I found attached to my "wonderful" first paycheck: PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our new employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. $9.95 Life insuran

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand. "Go ahead, Little Johnny." "My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder." "That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?" Again Little Johnny raises his hand. "We'll give you another chance." "My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.

If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong. "What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok," she said. The man on the line said, "Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead." "Oh my goodness, what happened?" Shannon asked. The foreman replied, "He fell into a vat of beer." "Did he at least die quickly?" sobbed Shannon. The man paused, then said, "Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom."

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."