Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...

The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."

You might be a redneck if... You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.

Teacher: The weather here is too bad. The winter is too cold, and the summer is too hot. Fortunately, I have an air condition in my room. Oh, do you have air condition in your dorm? Students: (laughing) No way. Teacher: At least you can use a fan, can't you? Students: (upset) No way! The electricity is cut off at 11 o'clock. Teacher: (puzzled) No air condition, no fan, six people in such a small room, and the weather is so hot, how can you sleep? Students: We don't sleep. Teacher: (surprised) Oh, if you don't sleep, how can you study? Students: We don't study, either. Teacher: ...

California Version The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

Knock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't.

Knock, knock! Who's there, in th' other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.

I'm not even sure this is funny (although it was at the time), but it was just a random happening: I was texting my friend and playing temple run at the same time, and something occurred to me. I said, "If I were a Temple Run character, no one would buy me... I cannot slide on my back, jump over tall objects, run fast (most definitely not), or pick up coins by running through them. I would die in the first 30 seconds." He replied, "I would buy u, just so I could get the achievement of sexy seven."

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on

From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930): Keep the clock and altimeter wound up. Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded. Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows. Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.

Famous Last Words "We'll be safe here, trust me." "Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway." "We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you." "Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!" "My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since." "It's just a slight tingle." "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???"