1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. The cemetary must be the best place on earth; people are dying to get in there. 4. Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; no-one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,

Bob: I'm going to go ride my spaceship. Jack: What's a spaceship? Bob: Dunno, I'll go invent it.

-Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom. -Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world? -Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever. -Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky? -Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree? -Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential. -Ohm, must you resist Ampère's opinions on current events? -Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality. -Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider? -Schrödinger, stop abusing cats! -Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yours

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "Please, tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman whispered, "Try going alone next time, dear."

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm. "Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer. "I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he wouldn't have made it."

If I travelled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, The pot's at the other end.

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your N

(A continuation of Joke #7939 Idiot #9 - - - - - - A woman called the cops from her house and said, "My ex-boyfriend stole my pot!" So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.

A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied. "Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"

The teacher stood at the front of the room. "Does anybody know what this Monday is?" About half of the students raised their hands. The teacher pointed to one of them. "It's Columbus Day!" he crowed. The teacher smiled. "It is. Does anybody know why we celebrate it?" This time, only one student raised her hand. "It's the day the Indians discovered Columbus!" How very true indeed.

A teenage guitarist got so carried away while bouncing up and down on his bed mimicking a rock star that he flew out of a third floor window to his death, a Singapore newspaper reported yesterday. The Straits Times said Li Xiao Meng, a 16-year-old from China who was studying at Singapore's Hua Business School, was a keen musician who liked to jump up and down while playing his guitar in his hostel room. "But on November 17 he took things a bit too far," the newspaper said, reporting on a coroner's court findings. Ruling death by misadventure, the court said evidence "points to the deceased unintentionally falling out of the window to his death when he was hyped up with exhilaration, jumpi

Ivan, an experienced parachutist with 800 jumps under his belt, was videotaping a private lesson given by an instructor for a single trainee. He had attached the video camera to his helmet so that it would capture the entire day of instruction, and the supporting power supply and recorder were in a heavy satchel slung on his back. The group went up in the plane, and the instructor led the enthusiastic beginner through preparations for the jump. Ivan carefully documented the lesson, which needed to be perfect for the sake of posterity. When they reached the jump site, Ivan jumped from the back of the plane and filmed the student and instructor jumping from the front of the plane. A few hear