Did you ever watch the Food Network? Ya, they cook stuff that you won't even think about cooking, and afterwards you don't even bother to even remember it. People just sit at home and drool... It's like porno for fat people.

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...

In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran, and North Korea 'Axis of Evil"-N.Y. Times, 1/30/02 ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, and SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL; Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs Beijing. - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" d

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of t

IN 24 HOURS AVERAGE HUMAN 1) HEART beats 103,689 times. 2) LUNGS respire 23,045 times. 3) BLOOD flows 1,680,000 miles. 4) NAILS grow 0.00007 inches. 5) HAIR grows 0.01715 inches. 6) Take 2.9 pounds WATER (including all liquids.) 7) Take of 3.25 pounds FOOD. 8) Breathes 438 cubic feet AIR. 9) Lose 85.60 BODY TEMPERATURE. 10) Produce 1.43 pints of SWEAT. 11) Speak 4,800 WORDS. 12) During SLEEP move 25.4 times.

Big Bad Wolf: The big bad wolf said to Little Red Riding Hood, "unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits." "Fuck off," she replied as she tugged down her panties. "Eat me, like the fuckin' book says." Pinocchio: Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gepetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting along with the girls now?" "Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio. Cinderella: Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her w

A lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses.

Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy

Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."

This will make your computer A LOT faster, and it is REALLY EZPZ! The thing is, most ppl lack the knowlege to use it. 1.Go to the START menu 2. Click My Computer 3. Right click (C:) 4.Click Format 5. Click Yes 6. Repeat on (D:), then (E:), then (A:) 7. TA DA! FTR, if you do this, you will completely erase everything on your computer

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language." "I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've not taught that bird to swear." "Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor, "but yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."