In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

Age 1: You don't piddle in your pants Age 4: You can walk without help Age 21: You can drive Age 60: You can drive Age 70: You can walk without help Age 80: You don't piddle in your pants

Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

This will make your computer A LOT faster, and it is REALLY EZPZ! The thing is, most ppl lack the knowlege to use it. 1.Go to the START menu 2. Click My Computer 3. Right click (C:) 4.Click Format 5. Click Yes 6. Repeat on (D:), then (E:), then (A:) 7. TA DA! FTR, if you do this, you will completely erase everything on your computer

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples." "Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree."

Don't argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing.

I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.... He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood. Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up. Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party."

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food. The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?" "It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit." "WHAT?? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!" Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot. The second guy (now gagging) said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!" "Sounds good to me," said the vet. "I can use the money." The next day the guy

Q: What do you call people who use condoms? A: Parents.

Eric A. Barcia, a 22-year-old Reston, VA resident, was found dead yesterday after he used bungee cords to jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. The fast food worker taped a number of bungee cords together and strapped one end around his foot. Barcia had the foresight to anchor the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, and he even remembered to measure the length of the bungee cords to make sure that they were a few feet short of the 70 foot drop. He proceeded to fall headfirst from the trestle, and hit the pavement 70 feet below several seconds later. Fairfax County police said "The stretched length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance betwe

Jack = 11 in cards.