One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach. But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case. Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?" The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it." He soon falls asleep. Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask whathappened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach. Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was play

One day my cousin says, "Oh, I love your hair. Show me how you do it!" "OK," I reply. "OK?" my cousin says; "you're not supposed to say OK! You're supposed to have a temper tantrum and scream, 'No! It's MY secret and I'm not going to tell you!' OK?" "You're just being stupid as usual. Leave me alone." Little cousins. *SHISH!* A few weeks later she comes up to me and says, "I like your make-up. Can you show me how to do make-up?" "You're too young," I reply. Now she's got the hissy fit going on (AGAIN). "I am NOT TOO YOUNG! Show me how to do make-up or I'll bite myself than tell Mama you did it like all those other times I said you bit me!" She yells. I turn around and say, "Too L

E.T phone home! That must be one hell of a phone bill

My granddad was a very unlucky man. He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell. He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell. He tried yet another, called it 3-up. He got to 6-up, and quit.

"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. Life is too short. Don't be a jerk. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life. If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits! Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going. Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds. It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks. I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

In 1976, the Pentagon returned 50 security doors because of a design flaw. The doors, which cost $1,500.00 each, had titanium locks and handles, and a 0.0001" clearance at all edges. The problem was discovered when an angry secretary threw her coffee cup at one of the doors. It went right through the 1/16 inch wood veneer. It was also discovered that if you pulled on the handle, it would come off in your hand. In 1948, Mayor Jose Hussong, of Baja California, Mexico had a section of highway named after him by the people of his city. On the day it was to be dedicated, a group of officials waited for him to arrive. After they had waited for 2 hours, one of the officials went to the mayor's es

Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replied "I think not," and poof - he disappeared.

A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."