A man received a notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting with the IRS agent. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor." The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer advised, "Show them you're a professional. Wear your best suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked his advice. "Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said. "A woman was getting married. She asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mom said, `Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck,' but her best friend said, `Wear a sexy negligee.'" The man asked. "What d

Something to text to your friendz The police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small dick, and a swollen asshole Just called to make sure you are okay I was worried

Baked Beans One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Wel

# Astronauts can't belch- there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs. # Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash. # The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night. # The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off! # Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds. # The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve," which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband. # There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne #

# In 1875 the director of the US patent office resigned. He said that there was nothing left to invent # The Channel between England and France grows about 300 millimeters each year # The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle # Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name # On average, a person has two million sweat glands # Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. # Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. # Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it. # The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what caus

James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style, "......James Bond." Then Bond asks: "And you?" Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao... Siva Rao... Samba Siva Rao... Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..." Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

As most young, weak, and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just made his life downright miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he figured out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth making it obvious to the rest of the kids as possible by making yum yum noises. The bully, without asking, snatched th

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks? A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'" "I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'" "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figur

If a couple in Arkansas get married, move to Washington, then move back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?

ALWAYS must WIN. BORROW but never RETURN. CHEAP is GOOD. DON'T TRUST anyone. EVERYTHING also must GRAB. FREE! FREE! FREE!!! GRAB first TALK later. HELP yourself to EVERYTHING. i FIRST, i WANT, i EVERTHING. JUMP queue. KEEP coming back for MORE. LOOK for DISCOUNTS. MUST not lose FACE. NEVER mind what they THINK. OUTDO everyone you know! PAY only when NECESSARY. QUIT while you're ahead. RUSHING and PUSHING wins the RACE. SAMPLES are always WELCOME. TAKE but don't GIVE. UNLESS it's FREE, FORGET it. VOW to be NUMBER ONE. WINNERS takes it ALL! ALL!! ALL!!! X'TRA = MORE YELL if necessary to GET what you WANT! ZEBRAS are KIASU before they want to be BLACK AND WHITE at the same time. Are one of th