Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the impossible takes longer. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers. Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security police money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 pm, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was t

If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.

A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine! On your answering machine - "Hello?" pause, "What's up?" pause again, "Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!" Beep.

In WW2 Captain Saunders was wounded in battle and captured by the Germans. He was sent to a German military hospital. On his first day in the hospital a doctor came, bearing bad news, "we have to amputate your legs." The Captain was very sad, however he asked the doctor if his legs could be dropped in his commanders next bombing mission over Britain. The doctor asked his commander, and he said yes. And sure enough it was dropped. On the second day the doctor came bearing more bad news, "we have to amputate your left arm." The Captain was sadder than before, but he asked if this could also be dropped, in the commander's next mission. The answer was yes and it was dropped. On the third day,

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your Amazonian whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

A man received a notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting with the IRS agent. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor." The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer advised, "Show them you're a professional. Wear your best suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked his advice. "Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said. "A woman was getting married. She asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mom said, `Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck,' but her best friend said, `Wear a sexy negligee.'" The man asked. "What d

# During World War II, twice as many fighter pilots were killed during training than combat # In 1962 an outbreak of contagious laughter in Tanganyika lasted for six months and caused schools to be closed # A nautical mile measures 6,080 feet while a land or statute mile is 5,280 feet # No one can drown in the Dead Sea. It is 25 percent salt, which makes the water very heavy # Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water # Earth's oceans contain 7 1/2 million tons of gold, dissolved in the water # Children who are breastfed tend to have an I.Q. seven points higher than children who are not. # The bird flu virus could evolve into a for

# Astronauts can't belch- there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs. # Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash. # The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night. # The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off! # Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds. # The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve," which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband. # There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne #

I had been seeing David for a couple of months; he and I both had children from previous marriages. My daughter Amanda has a slight learning disability and is very outspoken. She just tells it like it is and if you don't like it ... oh well. We were all at David's house, sitting on the porch, talking about all the weird things our children do. Not to be outdone, Amanda says, "Oh, you say *we* are weird? Well, Mom, who chased me around the house the other night with her teeth out?" See, I had planned to tell David that I had false teeth, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. After I turned 40 shades of red, he looked at me and smiled. "Don't worry," he said, "I still love you." Still, I felt

ALWAYS must WIN. BORROW but never RETURN. CHEAP is GOOD. DON'T TRUST anyone. EVERYTHING also must GRAB. FREE! FREE! FREE!!! GRAB first TALK later. HELP yourself to EVERYTHING. i FIRST, i WANT, i EVERTHING. JUMP queue. KEEP coming back for MORE. LOOK for DISCOUNTS. MUST not lose FACE. NEVER mind what they THINK. OUTDO everyone you know! PAY only when NECESSARY. QUIT while you're ahead. RUSHING and PUSHING wins the RACE. SAMPLES are always WELCOME. TAKE but don't GIVE. UNLESS it's FREE, FORGET it. VOW to be NUMBER ONE. WINNERS takes it ALL! ALL!! ALL!!! X'TRA = MORE YELL if necessary to GET what you WANT! ZEBRAS are KIASU before they want to be BLACK AND WHITE at the same time. Are one of th