I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!" Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies." Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

The Fart Dictionary The Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare. The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being a

What's invisible and very frightened? A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.

If Men Ruled the World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Eac

What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg." Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?" Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."

Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street.

The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.

You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.

Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"