A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole."

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? A: Eileen. Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door? A: Justin. Q: What do you call a girl who gambles? A: Betty. Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river? A: Bridget. Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg? A: Jean. Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter? A: Art. Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack. Q: What do you call a lady in the distance? A: Dot. Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? A: Lily. Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front? A: Bill.

% cat "food in cans" cat: can't open food in cans % nice man woman No manual entry for woman. % rm God rm: God nonexistent % ar t God ar: God does not exist] % ar r God ar: creating God % "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence? Unmatched ". % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. % ^How did the sex change operation go? ^ Modifier failed. % If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s. % make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. > % sleep with me bad character % got a light? No match. % man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments. % !:say, what is saccharine? Bad substitute. % %blow %blow: No such job. The following are no

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.

A high school teacher had become very annoyed. Very few of his students paid attention to him during class. This wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that they were always brought in their iPods and CD players and pretended like they weren't in school. The teacher was fed up with scolding his students, assigning detentions, and confiscating the music devices. One day, he came up with, what he thought to be, a wonderful solution. In the morning after all of the students filed in and sat down, and after the teacher walked around plucking headphones off of them, he called their attention. "Class," he said with a pretentious smirk on his face, "I've noticed that you all love music so much. I

In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they (obviously) didn't think their domain names through. Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award.... ALL these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign (and work-safe, in case you're wondering). 1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: www.penisland.net 4. Need a therap

A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?" Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.

In an open interview between our correspondant and world genius and sex machine Bill Gates, the following rather illuminating answers were provided. Q: Is it true that Microsoft wants to destroy all other software makers everywhere? A: Yes. Some think not, because if Apple & IBM quit, Microsoft would have no one to copy from. In fact, if Mac and OS/2 were gone we would never have to update Windows again anyway, and we wouldn't even have to pay for a programming staff to rearrange pirated code. Q: Windows machines use the same monitors as everyone else. Why does Windows look so crude and blocky and ugly? A: Good graphics take a lot of work. Designed with pride, they add greatly to the u

Beyond the Hype (Guardian, August 25, 1995) Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, argues Windows 95 does not cross any frontiers. What on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets? Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and better way of using computers? No. All that's happened is that Microsoft has remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the Macintosh. This may well be a cause for rejoicing among Windows users but it's hardly a giant leap for mankind and doesn't warrant this sense that we're all supposed to celebrate early and avoid the millennium rush. As part of this billion-dollar festival

California Version The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."