Chuck Norris has two speeds - walk and kill. Chuck Norris sold law and order for using the names of his arms and legs. Chuck Norris hides his third arm underneath his beards. When Chuck Norris does a push up he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the world down.

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked.

Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall? Because it felt so good when he stopped ! What do you call 12 morons at the bottom of a pool? An air pocket! Why did the moron drive his truck off the bridge? He wanted to check his airbrakes! How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair! Why did the moron open the refrigerator door? He wanted to see the salad dressing! How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!

Shakespeare: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her. Optimist: If you love someone, Set her free .... Don't worry, she will come back. Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she ever comes back, ask her why. Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her. Patient: Ig you love someone, Set her free .... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back. Playful: If you love someone, Set her free .... *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat* C++ Programmer: if(you-love(m_she

Can you decipher this phrase? LINE = End of the Line!

Yo momma so fat she turned her Nike Shox into "Shocked Nikes"

Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book Let's see the results . . . "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well - I was at Hogwarts meself but I - er - got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything." A magic wang . . . this was what Harry had been really looking forward to. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon, Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work. Your father

A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"

Here is a series of jokes my friend told me. They were hilarious, and I thought I should share it with everyone. Apologies for any dupes. You: Want to hear a corny joke? Them: Ok You: Where do you plant corns in a farm? Them: Don't know. Where? You: At the CORNers You: Do you want to hear a cornier joke? Them: Yes You: (pull one lower eyelid) CORNEA! (goofy tone) You: Do you want to hear a long joke or a short joke? Them: Long joke You: Jjjjjoooooookkkkkkkeeeee (drag as long as you can) Them: Short joke You: Jo' (say it very really fast) Enjoy! :)

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said

GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.