What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a Playstation 2? They both are made of plastic, and they both get turned on by kids.

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!

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The Frenchman, the German, and the Israeli were standing around in the cafe in Tel Aviv, comparing their lifestyles. "When I go to work," said the Frenchman, "I drive my Renault. On weekends I drive my $30,000 Peugeot. And when I travel abroad, I always drive a $50,000 Citroen." "Bah,"said the German, "I drive a Volkswagen to work. But on weekends I drive a $50,000 BMW, and when I go abroad, I always take my customized $60,000 Mercedes." "Very impressive," the Israeli admitted. "As for me, I take the bus to work, and on Sundays I motor around in my little Ford. But when I go abroad, I drive a $250,000 tank.

A man's mother-in-law moves in with him. About two weeks later, he comes home and discovers her lying on the floor of the living room. He calls 911 and they send the ambulance over, and the ambulance rushes the woman to the hospital. The man is pacing the waiting room. A doctor finally comes out to speak with him. The doctor says, "I have good news, and bad news." The man replies, "Well, tell me the good news first." The doctor says, "Your mother-in-law sustained a major heart attack, but she didn't die. In fact she will probably live another 20 to 30 years. She unfortunately lost her ability to speak, and she will make this awful screeching and squawking noise, like a parrot. She has al

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More. John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tun

Man in car, Went to bar. Feeling nifty, Doing fifty. Hit a car, Poor old soul. Doctor's fee, CEMETARY!

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations o

Florida: Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. SARASOTA - It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Louisiana: It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." North Dakota: Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. Ohio: Women are prohibited from wearing

Signs of Aging Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. You get winded playing chess. You're still chasing women but can't remember why. You look forward to a dull evening. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..." You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.