This is funny.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain) Constant change is here to stay. Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today's good stuff! Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic! Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

Three people had been sentenced to be put in jail for ten years, and they asked each one of them to say one thing that he wants to have with him in the chamber. The first one said, "I want you to put 1 ton of steak with me," so they did and they locked the chamber; then the second one said, "I want a rack full with the best wines in the world," so they put it in his chamber and locked it; the third said, "I want 1000 packets of cigarettes," so they put it in the chamber and locked it. After the ten years are over, they unlocked the first chamber, and the man came out with big belly and said, "That was delicious." Then they unlocked the second chamber, and the man came out and he can barely s

2 guys are sitting at a bar after a hard days work and start talking about their wives. 1st guy: "You know what, my wife is an angel." 2nd guy: "Gee, you sure are lucky, my wife is still alive!"

Dyslexia: it can warn without striking! Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. Originality is the art of concealing your source. Synonym: word used when you can't spell the one you wanted. The Apathy Anonymous meeting was canceled due to lack of interest. You can tell a real programmer by the keyboard-shaped dents in his forehead. You have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

cluckedy fuck, place your order Comment from the Editor: This is an extremely stupid joke and I would advise everyone to give it 0 smileys so that we can rid this world of stoners writing jokes!!

Signs of Aging You just can't stand people who are intolerant. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by. The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. Your children begin to look middle-aged. You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the wa

What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed? Let her drive.

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead. A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His mistake was flashing a knife at a security g

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" my friend asked nervously. "Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

Why do bald men put holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair!

Happiness doesn't bring money. I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I'm now. The government has at least one problem for every solution. Only the conservatives can make the country like it used to be - a huge swamp full of dinosaurs. Democracy is having freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the thoughtfulness to use neither one. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.