A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."

Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

One day, a man goes to a hotel. There is only one room left; room #30. Wondering what was the problem with that room, he agrees to use that room and is shown the room. He is left with a warning: To never look under the rug. That night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the rug. So he gets up, and peeks under the rug. It's a trapdoor. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and goes to bed. The next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the trapdoor. So he gets up, removes the rug, and opens the trapdoor. He sees a really, really long staircase. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed. The next

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked, "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat; a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat - and I won't be bringing it back." As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a littl

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer, "yes." He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shone the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.> Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter

151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. 152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21. 153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. 154. All polar bears are left-handed. 155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal) 156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. 157. Butterflies taste with their feet. 158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump. 159. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 160. Starfish have no brains. 161. 11% of the world is left-handed. 162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only

Dogs crawl under fences...Software crawls under Windows95.

A recent immigrant had just completed a training course titled, 'Improve your English' and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell 'cultivate.' Jacob spelled it correctly. The examiner then asked Jacob to use the word 'cultivate' in a sentence. Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, "Last winter, on a very cold day, I was waiting for the bus but it was too cultivate so I walked home."