Two guys were at the gym. Bob asked Ben, "How did the date go with my sister?" Bob replied, "I didn't know your sister was famous. When I took her to the opera, and when it was over no one would leave until she stood up and sang."

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000

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Once I went to visit my cousin in Jersey and I was looking for his house and when I found his house I rang the doorbell and like I said, "Hey cuz" and he answered I'm not your cousin. Then I said, "Yes I am, and then he closes the door on me. So I like call my mom, right? Then I like say, "Mom, my cousin says he's not my cousin." Then my mom says, "You don't have a cousin in Jersey." And I'm like, "Oh cool", and then I got a fox.

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty (Just how guilty was he?) Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (I say, give it to him.) Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found (What?) After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth (Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.) Woman Improving After Fatal Crash (Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)

Alabama: It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California: Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. Nebraska: A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service. New Mexico: Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. Pennsylvania: A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. Tennessee: It is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.

Q1: What is red and goes tring tring tring? A1: tomato and the tring tring tring was to confuse you anyways. Here's one more. Q2: What is red and goes tring tring tring? A2: The door bell and the red was to confuse you anyways. Here's one more. Q3: What is red and goes tring tring tring? A3: A cake and both were to confuse you anyways. Here's one more. Q4: What's red and goes tring tring tring? A4: Fire brigade, OBVIOUSLY! You thought I was trying to confuse you again.

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks. Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?" Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bill says. "What did the alien do to you?" "I don't remember all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien." Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?" Ted responds, "Bill."

230 The number of keys in an ordinary piano is eighty eight 231 'Man is a Tool Making Animal' was said by Benjamin Franklin 232 The term 'anesthesia' was coined by Oliver Wendell Holmes 233 The first man to reach Antartica was Fabian Gottlieb 234 The Kilimanjaro volcano is situated in Tanzania 235 The invention that is considered to have built America is dynamite

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green. But when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a diamond!