While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says, " I have the most amazing news! Your boy can fly!" The doctor sees the doubt in the father's eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump. "You son of a bitch!" screams the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait! Something must be wrong! He flew this morning. Let me try again!" He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor. "Oh my god! I am going to kill you!" shrieks the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No,

A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"

A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing. The man replies, "My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide." The boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, "Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?" The man says, "Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her."

A girl was eating lunch in the cafeteria and she was laughing and talking to all friends. But as you know, it is very distracting to talk while you're eating. So she goes to put a french fry into her mouth and before anyone notices, she looks down because, you guessed it, she missed her mouth. Turns out everyone at the table had seen her do it. As the table bursts out laughing, someone says, "I do that all the time. I go to take a drink of water and I miss." Someone else said, "You have a hole in your lip." From the other end of the table someone yells "Who has a whore on their cheek?"

What did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? "Take that, take that"

Justin and Tarquin were having a wonderful time at the fairground, trying all the attractions, until they arrived at the carousel. Tarquin said, "Let's go on this one, Justin." "I'm tired right now," said Justin, "you go ahead and I'll see you later." So Tarquin goes on the carousel, but after a few minutes, the the carousel collapses in a heap. "Tarquin, Tarquin, are you all right?" calls Justin. "All right? Of course I'm not all right; seven times I went past you, and you didn't wave once!"

A pregnant woman was on a bus. As the bus was going along, the woman started to give birth. An off-duty doctor rushed to her side and started to help her. He shouted to the rest of the bus, "Can someone help me?" Then towards the back of the bus a blond got up and smashed the back window. The doctor turned to her and said, "What did you do that for?" The blond replied, "Well it said on the window, In emergency, break glass."

Here's a good trick to try on people... Say to them: "I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no. 1st question: Are you stupid?