Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead

A guy goes up to his best friend and says, "Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." "Okay," says the friend. "What is it?" "I said no questions!"

What do a walrus & tupperware have in common? They both like a "tight" SEAL!

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service." After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow." "Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor. "But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested. "We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances. 2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. 3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. 4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. 5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. 6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. 7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. 8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. 9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. 10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once." 11. No movie. Don't need one.

A farmer and his son live on a farm in the middle of Nowhere, USA. One day the farmboy says to his father, "I'm bored." His father replies, "What are you talking about? Farm life is great!" He then adds, "However, I will admit, it is a little slow though. Nothing much to do except count the bricks in the silo." To this the boy says, "11,827."

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. If I save time, when do I get it back? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Does fuzzy logic tickle

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

It's more fun to color outside the lines. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch. Ask why until you understand. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm. Make up the rules as you go along. It doesn't matter who started it. Ask for sprinkles. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog. Save a place in line for your friends.

Yo momma so old, she was at the afterparty when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments.

Q1: What is red and goes tring tring tring? A1: tomato and the tring tring tring was to confuse you anyways. Here's one more. Q2: What is red and goes tring tring tring? A2: The door bell and the red was to confuse you anyways. Here's one more. Q3: What is red and goes tring tring tring? A3: A cake and both were to confuse you anyways. Here's one more. Q4: What's red and goes tring tring tring? A4: Fire brigade, OBVIOUSLY! You thought I was trying to confuse you again.

Wal-mart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted. Ironically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Wal-mart opens a store nearby.