1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going now?" 4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leav

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too . . . I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

Mik: "Do skunks have a good sense of smell?" Mak: "No! If they did, they'd jump off a cliff!"

Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? The man get's to see a striptease every night!

What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind)

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one - "John, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you, Michael, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you, Billy, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment

Signs in the USA (mostly) In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters" On the menu of a restaurant: "Blackened bluefish" In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends." In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends." On the walls of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy" On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal

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WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots....I married their king. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

somewhere in Calfornia, USA, there is a man who want to open up a business. So he decided to build a restaurant. On the grand opening day, he put a large sign: "BEST RESTAURANT IN CALIFORNIA". And there's another man do the same thing (make a new restaurant) close to the first man. He put a big sign: "BEST RESTAURANT IN AMERICA" There's another man also do the same thing. He's even more arrogant than the first two. He then put a big sign: "BEST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD" ANOTHER man decided to do the same thing. But this man is wiser than the first three. So instead of put a bombastic sign, he only put a normal sign in front of his new restaurant: "Best Restaurant on this road"

Barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 To: Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole Dear Santa: Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list! 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. H

1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner 2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out. 4: Life's short, eat dessert first.