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Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!

Once there was a guy who didn't know which train station would take him to L.A. So, he asked a guy nearby,"What train takes me to L.A? The left, or right train?" The answer was, "If you go to the right one, you'll be left and if you go to the left one, you'll be right."

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Hello, this is probably 327-4681, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

There was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, "Cans" So the salesman asked, "What kind of cans?" "Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,,"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

One day, a man goes to a hotel. There is only one room left; room #30. Wondering what was the problem with that room, he agrees to use that room and is shown the room. He is left with a warning: To never look under the rug. That night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the rug. So he gets up, and peeks under the rug. It's a trapdoor. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and goes to bed. The next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the trapdoor. So he gets up, removes the rug, and opens the trapdoor. He sees a really, really long staircase. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed. The next

1.) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. 2.) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. 3.) Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 4.) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 5.) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. 6.) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 7.) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. 8.) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. 9.) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it care

A young reporter was sent on his first assignment. He sent in the following report to the office - "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her breasts." The editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. we don't use words like 'breasts' around here. Go back and write something more appropriate!" The young reporter thought for a few minutes, and finally sent in this report - "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her ( . ) ( . )."

Bob was talking to Ted, an old friend. Bob: My wife drives like lightning! Ted: She drives fast? Bob: No, She hits trees!

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid" Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903 - Died 19