Popular Jokes
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde!
If You Drink Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.
A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police.
The man asked:
"Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?"
The policeman replied,
"No, you were flying too low..."
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PG: These jokes are suitable for most children. Mild violence or language may appear in these jokes.
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R: These jokes contain foul language and sexual or violent content.
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You know how occasionally you'll have people over, and they won't shut up and they whole visit is getting a little tedious? Or you'll be talking to this incredibly boring person who is too sensitive to tell to go away? Well, here is a solution to that boring-person-who-just-will-not-leave-you-alone.
1. Close your eyes and lean your head on their shoulder. Snort and drool slightly, and when they pause jerk back up and ask, "What did I miss?"
2. Sneeze. Inhale deeply and for a long time then do an extended, "AH-AH-AH-" and finally end in a big, "Achoo!" Aim at the person. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand then pat them on the shoulder and say, "Don't you just hate allergies?"
3. Stare
Signs of Aging
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the wa
This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell.
The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief t
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn.
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress, one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States." Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war, we lose; the United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, s
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