Hillary Clinton noticed that she was unusually hungry, having stomache pains, and hasn't had her period for 2 months. She decides to go a doctor to get checked out. The doctor returns with the diagnosis that she is indeed pregnant. As you can imagine, the first thing she did was call her husband, Bill Clinton. "Honey, I have some news for you. You got me PREGNANT." After a few minutes, Bill's voice comes back on the line. "Don't panic. I will sort this out, but first I need to know who you are." *This is not true*

She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain) Constant change is here to stay. Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today's good stuff! Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic! Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers. Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her fathe

ALL DIET FAQ's answered... Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT

This is a true story. Last year my teachers all believed in the, "There is no stupid question" thing, until we started talking about a three day trip our class was going to take. We had just finished talking about room arrangements. My teacher asked for any questions, stating his famous line, "There are no stupid questions." A girl raised her hand and asked, "Are guys allowed to bunk with us?" He now has a new fave line, "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed? Let her drive.

Our eyes are always the same from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber Bands last longer when refrigerated. "Lollipop" is the longest word typed with only the right hand. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

Man: Why do you have a steering wheel in your crotch? Other Man: My wife was driving me nuts

St. Paul, MN The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone. Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut. "I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could." The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, d

With what kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches? Shortbread!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, that. My father's ashes are in there..." He turns beet red in embarrassment for having brought up such a tender subject and says, "Geez, oh, er...I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."