Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today

You are in a car travelling at a constant speed. On your left is a valley, and on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you can't overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter, flying at ground level; both are travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the merry-go-round!

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889." Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing softw

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed that a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, twin brothers, who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, t

This big-time rancher from Texas met a Missouri farmer on a business trip. The Texas rancher bragged, "I can get in my truck, drive all day, and never cross the boundary of my ranch!" "Yep," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that once, too."

1) The Code of Ethics for Lawyers. 2) Americans' Guide to Etiquette. 3) The World Guide to Good American Beer. 4) Safe Places to Travel in the USA. 5) Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity. 6) The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle. 7) Consumer Marketing Ethics. 8) Career Opportunities for History Majors. 9) Great Women Drivers Of Today. 10) Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno. 11) Things I Love About Bill By: Hillary Clinton. 12) My Life's Memories By: Ronald Reagan. 13) Things I Can't Afford By: Bill Gates.

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll! WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :) 1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!" 2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!) 3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars) 4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah". 5: Sit in your front yard point

It happened one time that a very old lady, whose husband had died, took a walk in the woods. She came across a young man whose hormones were raging. The young man tripped the old lady and came on top of her; she screamed and was heard by a couple walking not too far from them, but by the time they arrived the young man was doing the thing. When the young couple tried to pull him off the old lady,the old lady said, "Let him go ahead and see what his intention is."

A Newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune, and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive. "Well, if he dies I'll pay for the funeral; the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill," says the Toronto Newfie. Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets a bill for $75.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets another bill for $75.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets yet another bill for $75.00 He sends the cheque off to

You know how occasionally you'll have people over, and they won't shut up and they whole visit is getting a little tedious? Or you'll be talking to this incredibly boring person who is too sensitive to tell to go away? Well, here is a solution to that boring-person-who-just-will-not-leave-you-alone. 1. Close your eyes and lean your head on their shoulder. Snort and drool slightly, and when they pause jerk back up and ask, "What did I miss?" 2. Sneeze. Inhale deeply and for a long time then do an extended, "AH-AH-AH-" and finally end in a big, "Achoo!" Aim at the person. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand then pat them on the shoulder and say, "Don't you just hate allergies?" 3. Stare

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,

This is a true story. Last year my teachers all believed in the, "There is no stupid question" thing, until we started talking about a three day trip our class was going to take. We had just finished talking about room arrangements. My teacher asked for any questions, stating his famous line, "There are no stupid questions." A girl raised her hand and asked, "Are guys allowed to bunk with us?" He now has a new fave line, "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."