One day, I was bored and I felt like going for a ride on my bicycle. I hadn't been used for a while, since I use my car. So, I dusted it off and went off for a 1 hour ride. I was going down the street and I'm known for my absent mindedness. I didn't notice this guy was crossing the street and I went and bumped into him. Now, this man was mad cause he was wearing his new white pants and my tire got it all dirty. I got off my bike and he gave me a scolding for 2 minutes until some passersby came to my rescue and calmed him down. One of 'em said "Hey, calm down buddy. He's just a kid"(I am 17). And the man says "A kid?! Look at him! He looks like he can MAKE kids now!". I was like "Wha...?

A boy comes home from school and runs to his father. The boy says ''Dad, a boy in my class calls me a gay'' . ''Oh yeah? Well then beat him up!'' says his dad. The boy replies ''I can't dad!''. ''Why not son?''. The boy looking away says ''Because he's kinda cute''

VEB Sachsenring brought out a new Eco-Trabi: Immediately available for delivery, extremely cheap, extremely quiet, extremely environmentally friendly - with electric power train. Small problem: The extension cord is only 20 meters long and not in stock.

You've probably heard: If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards. New Version: If at first you get hit below the belt, lower your belt!

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded. "Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY." There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sight of resignation as she was heard to mutter, "Well, fuck . . . I guess that's why no one was at church today."

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?" The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" So the woman asked, "Is this a record?" To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

One night I was feeling lonely, so I went to my girlfriend's house. She wasn't expecting me, but I was able to calm her down. She was a bit hesitant, but I didn't think anything of it. I got her into the bed finally, and you know what happens next. In the morning, when I woke up she was still asleep. So I got up and left quietly. On the way back home I felt a little bad but I didn't know why. And then it hit me. I don't have a girlfriend.

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Q: How do you help a starving cannibal? A: Give him a hand!

Kid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!"