A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "

This is a list of the worst names to have Dick Hurtz Hary Paratesticles Mike Hunt Mike Rotch Anitta Manwhore Anitta Johnson Fuk Yao Ike Anblow Peter Pecker I.C. Weiner I.P. Freely Seimore Butts Bo Oobless Dick Less Issac Less Tits McGee (ok, that was off Anchorman) Ima Hornibusterd Ima Uglibech Ima Dick

Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!

You might be a Republican if... 1. You have a brain 2. You have morales 3. Your bumper sticker say's "Somewhere in Massachusetts a village is missing it's idiot" 4. You totaly agree with everything Foxworthy say's 5. You bought a shotgun and THEN voted against gun control You might become a republican if... 1. You found a brain 2. You stole someones morales 3. You bought a truck with that bumper sticker and was to lazy to take it off. 4. You're dating a Republicans daughter 5. Actually it was the guy's shotgun that changed you. You might be a democrat if... 1. You have no brain 2. You have no morales 3. Your bumper sticker say's "eye is ejumucated, u shid bee two" 4. You don't know who Hit

Q: Where is Spiderman's home page? A: On the world wide web. Q: Why is Superman stupid? A: Because he wears his underwear over his pants. Q: Why is Batman more stupid? A: Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear. Q: Why is Robin even more stupid? A: Because he followed what batman did. Q: Why is Wonder Woman stupid? A: Because she wears a belt on her head. Q: Why is Spiderman the most stupid superhero of them all? A: Because he wears his underwear over his head.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a cow and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." The Indian looked shocked. Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Indian looks even more shocked. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." The Indian looks extremely

Knock Knock! Who's there? Abbey! Abbey who? Abbey stung me on the nose!

Chuck Norris has more Myspace friends than Tom. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of bei

What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is de

Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar

What was the most-frequently used word at the German-German border? "Goose meat". (Gänsefleisch, sounds like the first three words in Genn' se vleisch mal 'n Gofferraum offmachn? in the Saxon accent, Können Sie vielleicht mal den Kofferraum aufmachen? in standard German, which means Could you please open the trunk? )