So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember .

A high school teacher had become very annoyed. Very few of his students paid attention to him during class. This wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that they were always brought in their iPods and CD players and pretended like they weren't in school. The teacher was fed up with scolding his students, assigning detentions, and confiscating the music devices. One day, he came up with, what he thought to be, a wonderful solution. In the morning after all of the students filed in and sat down, and after the teacher walked around plucking headphones off of them, he called their attention. "Class," he said with a pretentious smirk on his face, "I've noticed that you all love music so much. I

Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years. After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 1

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Knows a book-full of use

Question: What is a Kentucky Virgin? Answer: A really ugly seven year old girl who can run faster than her older brother.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk; He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying. He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break; He restoreth my faith in study guides. He leads me to better study habits For my grades sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades, I will not have a nervous breakdown; For thou art with me. My prayers and my friends, they comfort me. Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness; Thou anointest my head with understanding. My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize. Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me All the days of my examinations, And I shall not have to dwell in this university f

"y'know, they made a movie about me once. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." "Oops." "Is that thing called a lung?" "And my mom wanted me to help people." "Shoot! That's the third pair of tongs this week!" "I can't pull it out!" "This belongs on MTV." "No one asked for your opinion." "It's a boy!" "Hey! I can see the operating table!" "Brilliant. Now what?" "I need a lawyer." "What have you been eating?!" "This is all a dream...this is all a dream..." "Mommy!" "Fire in the hole!" "I knew I should've stopped drinking."

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Justin," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Justin answered the correct airline. "Sandra, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Sandra answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now Allison, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And Allison answered, "Mom..."

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen. "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was in

Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandler. "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times." Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situatio

Beyond the Hype (Guardian, August 25, 1995) Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, argues Windows 95 does not cross any frontiers. What on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets? Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and better way of using computers? No. All that's happened is that Microsoft has remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the Macintosh. This may well be a cause for rejoicing among Windows users but it's hardly a giant leap for mankind and doesn't warrant this sense that we're all supposed to celebrate early and avoid the millennium rush. As part of this billion-dollar festival

boodler---> kind of sounds like Boob blur! and zats why battery fucks boobler 69 times a day.