The Pope, the smartest man in the world, a father, and a son were in a plane that was going to crash. There were only three parachutes in the plane. The Pope says to them, "I need a parachute because I am worshiped by many people of religion." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "I am the smartest man in the world so I deserve a parachute." He takes a parachute and jumps. The father then looks at the son and says, "I have lived a long life and I think you should take a parachute because you have so much to live for." The little boy looks at the dad and says, "It's alright daddy. We can both go. The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

Have you heard the one about the home security guard who got fired for saving his boss's life? One day the guard dreamed the his boss was going to be in a plane crash on a business trip to Zimbabwe. Upon learning that his boss was soon going to be flying to Zimbabwe he told his boss about the dream he had, and convinced his boss to cancel it. The next day on the news they learned that the plane did indeed crash. The boss gave him a reward, and then fired him on the spot, saying that a good guard shouldn't be sleeping on the job!

I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

Cathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. "Wow, these pants are half off!" she told her uncle. Her uncle said "They should be, they are only a half pair of pants."

Can a mane date the sister of his widow? No, because you can't date when you are dead.

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. For some, the left testicle is larger than

Hello, this is probably 327-4681, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html It doesn't have any viruses.

1.) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. 2.) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. 3.) Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 4.) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 5.) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. 6.) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 7.) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. 8.) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. 9.) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it care

A young reporter was sent on his first assignment. He sent in the following report to the office - "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her breasts." The editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. we don't use words like 'breasts' around here. Go back and write something more appropriate!" The young reporter thought for a few minutes, and finally sent in this report - "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her ( . ) ( . )."