Good morning is a contradiction in terms.

Santa Claus, a Boy Scout, and a smart blonde jump out of a plane. Who lands first? The Boy Scout, because the other two don't exist.

what's the difference between here and there? The letter T! :) (Take away the T in there and you've got here!)

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

Mik walked home from work and saw 4 people dressed in grim reaper suits. He ran home. The next time,the next time and 6 more walks for home, he decided to confront them. He yelled "who ARE you"????!!! They chased him into a wall. "s-s- Show yourself" he squeaked. They took their masks off and yelled "Hi, we're the wiggles!"

Yogi Berra is a famous baseball player who is most widely known for his renowned flubs. Here is a collection of the best. "This is like deja vu all over again." "You can observe a lot just by watching." "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie. "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947. "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars. "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?" "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there

A Mexican and an Iraqi terrorist are in a car. Who's driving? Answer: The police.

A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said "Popular Prices". A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, "How much for that pearl necklace?" "14,000 dollars." "What? How are those popular prices?" The employee replied meekly, "We like 'em."

A student was in the percussion section of the band, and was not doing well. The band had a performance that night, and the conductor had an annoucement to make. The conductor said, "When a student is having trouble playing an instrument, we can give him two sticks and make him a percussionist, and let him play the drums, which---" The conductor was interrupted by a student in the back of the room who said, "And when that's too hard for him, we can take one of his sticks away, and make him a conductor!"

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, "I feel like a new man!" "I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face i

For those of you that remember the old Mitch Miller song "Sweet Violets" This is a crude take off on it... (p.s. - this is similar to Gizzers 'Sweet Violets' #604 but different, funnier and possibly cruder!) There was a young farmer who lived on a rock He liked to count sheep while he fingered his... Marbles and toys as in days of old yore And for a companion he had a young... Maiden whose passion was playing with dolls She told him she wanted to nuzzle his... Sweet violets Sweeter than the roses Covered all over from head to toe In sweet violets The farmer was pleased with all of his luck She claimed that she'd show him a new way to... Bring up the children and teach them to knit While