Whats faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfull than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings and has a carpark? Super market

Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."

Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"

Three men, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were given a sentence of life inprisonment for manslauter in Saudi Arabia. When they got to the trial the judge said, "It is my daughter's birthday, so you will only be lashed 100 times." They went to the whipman and he said, "Today is my birthday, you may all have a wish" The Frenchman, who went firstm said, "I would like a pillow strapped to my back. "He got 33 painless lashes until the pillow broke. He then got hit 77 times on his back. The Scotsman asked for two pillows. He got 66 painless lashes until the pillows broke. Then got 34 whips on his back. The whipman said to the englishman, "England is a noble country, therefore you

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do - Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem, but unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"

It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you!

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

If the population of China walked past you, in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby."Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!

My mom's favorite joke, played on some radio station. ORIGINAL JOKE: Johnny- Mother, can I have another piece of cake? Mother- Yes, you may have more cake, but if you do, you'll explode! Well, Johnny ate another piece of cake and sure enough, he exploded. RIDDLE: What sits next to mother, eats cake and explodes? Give up? JOHNNY! FORGET PUNCHLINE: You- Johnny asks mother if he can have another piece of cake. Mother says yes, but if you do, you'll explode.So then Johnny er... Johnny um Johnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy erm listens to mother?